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Irresponsible Schmuck


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#1 sk8rkelly

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Posted 28 March 2012 - 06:17 PM

I just got a royal ass chewing from my wife of 17 years because I no longer take care of things like I say i will. We are in financial crisis, my lighting business is going down the tubes, I have become a failure in her eyes and many more things my sssllloooowww typing cannot mention because of time constraints. I just turned 50 and was diagnosed 10 years ago. I'm trying a new sales position but any line of work will be challenging i know but this thoroughly sucks.

#2 DANCER

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Posted 28 March 2012 - 09:05 PM

SORRY - I HOPE YOU CAN FIND A JOB THAT ALLOWS FOR YOUR CONDITION. I AM LUCKY THAT THEY ARE TRYING TO MAKE ACCOMMODATIONS FOR ME AT WORK.
I'LL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS.
DANCER

#3 Lin

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Posted 28 March 2012 - 09:52 PM

Dear Sk8rkelly,

You are not an irresponsible schmuck! And don't ever talk about yourself like that again or let anyone else talk that way about you either. You have a degenerative disease, does your wife not know what that means? Or is she like my husband who prefers not to learn about PD and the ways it can effect us? Apathy can be a big factor as well as just being tired most of the time. Add that to your other more obvious symptoms and it's an achievement to be holding down a job. We each need to try our hardest to be productive and to help our spouses, but we need to not beat ourselves up when we fall short. And to not let our family verbally and emotionally beat us up either.

I've tried to educate myself about PD and slowly inform my DH (dear husband) about my symptoms. For me the more obvious physical symptoms (tremors, leg drag, uncoordination, slowed movements, voice problems, stomach effects) are easier to face and explain than the apathy and tiredness. For other people it's more full on depression or anxiety than apathy. We each struggle with our unique symptoms, but the point is that it is a struggle. We fight everyday to hold on and not yet give something more up to PD.

Someone on this forum asked what are you not willing to give up to PD. For me it is that I am a person to be acknowledged and not something to be stared through. Having PD doesn't make me an inferior being to be treated as less by others. I am an individual that, by the sheer fact that God made me, deserves to be treated with respect and compassion. Our families and friends would not want us to treat them as less of a human because they had physical or mental difficulties due to stroke, cancer, heart attack, MS, etc... So we should not allow anyone, especially family, to treat us poorly.

I know PD is hard on our families and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt that they don't realize how they're acting and how hurtful it is. I do confront them however, and point out their behavior and how it makes me feel. I try to have an educational discussion instead of reacting emotionally. It's frustrating when you have to have repeated discussions, but at least the offender has to acknowledge their behavior and your right to be treated as an equal. And despite the limitations put on us by PD, we are still just as equally human as the next person. To paraphrase, Let he who will never be ill be the first to be disdainful. (disdain: a feeling of contempt for someone seen as unworthy or inferior.)

I'm trying my best to carry my share of the load around home. But a marriage is never in perfect balance, someone is always carrying more of the load. Unfortunately, we and our families have a hard road to go down. We need to keep communicating, listening to and supporting each other, not tearing into one another. Outside support through forums like this, PD and Caregiver groups, are important. So are spiritual beliefs with the comfort and strength gained through them. Hope you found some commiseration in these ramblings. God bless, Lin

#4 ryan

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Posted 29 March 2012 - 12:28 AM

Dear Sk8rkelly,

You are not an irresponsible schmuck! And don't ever talk about yourself like that again or let anyone else talk that way about you either. You have a degenerative disease, does your wife not know what that means? Or is she like my husband who prefers not to learn about PD and the ways it can effect us? Apathy can be a big factor as well as just being tired most of the time. Add that to your other more obvious symptoms and it's an achievement to be holding down a job. We each need to try our hardest to be productive and to help our spouses, but we need to not beat ourselves up when we fall short. And to not let our family verbally and emotionally beat us up either.

I've tried to educate myself about PD and slowly inform my DH (dear husband) about my symptoms. For me the more obvious physical symptoms (tremors, leg drag, uncoordination, slowed movements, voice problems, stomach effects) are easier to face and explain than the apathy and tiredness. For other people it's more full on depression or anxiety than apathy. We each struggle with our unique symptoms, but the point is that it is a struggle. We fight everyday to hold on and not yet give something more up to PD.

Someone on this forum asked what are you not willing to give up to PD. For me it is that I am a person to be acknowledged and not something to be stared through. Having PD doesn't make me an inferior being to be treated as less by others. I am an individual that, by the sheer fact that God made me, deserves to be treated with respect and compassion. Our families and friends would not want us to treat them as less of a human because they had physical or mental difficulties due to stroke, cancer, heart attack, MS, etc... So we should not allow anyone, especially family, to treat us poorly.

I know PD is hard on our families and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt that they don't realize how they're acting and how hurtful it is. I do confront them however, and point out their behavior and how it makes me feel. I try to have an educational discussion instead of reacting emotionally. It's frustrating when you have to have repeated discussions, but at least the offender has to acknowledge their behavior and your right to be treated as an equal. And despite the limitations put on us by PD, we are still just as equally human as the next person. To paraphrase, Let he who will never be ill be the first to be disdainful. (disdain: a feeling of contempt for someone seen as unworthy or inferior.)

I'm trying my best to carry my share of the load around home. But a marriage is never in perfect balance, someone is always carrying more of the load. Unfortunately, we and our families have a hard road to go down. We need to keep communicating, listening to and supporting each other, not tearing into one another. Outside support through forums like this, PD and Caregiver groups, are important. So are spiritual beliefs with the comfort and strength gained through them. Hope you found some commiseration in these ramblings. God bless, Lin


And there you have it. The post above should be pinned, and also made post of the month.

ryan.

#5 sk8rkelly

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Posted 29 March 2012 - 08:30 AM

Lin,
Thanks for your comments and support. I was venting a bit but the environment is not favorable around my house. Unfortunately my wife is not the type of person who offers unending support or positive reinforcement. It's kind of funny (not really) that the thing i need the most because of the dopamine production is positive reinforcement, approval and acceptance. Yes, I'm not dealing with this as she would like me to, or for that matter the way I would like to, but when you are constantly discouraged by the set-backs or stifling of tasks like writing and typing, or buttoning, tying shoe laces, putting key in ignition, brushing teeth, I mean how long is the list? She plain outright said something to the affect "Don't blame this or that on PD" I guess I need to make them tie one arm up like a T-Rex and tie a 20 lb. weight on to her ankle, like a blasted BALL AND CHAIN, and see how long she lasts. Good for her she can take it off when she wants.

It is crazy how most people who I know that know I have PD never really say anything. That's cool, who wants to go talk to the guy who lost an arm and a leg about how life is treating them?

#6 MarciaJ

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Posted 29 March 2012 - 09:32 AM

No one has asked me about the PD either. And now it's more complicated cause the MDS doesn't really know what I've got exactly. He is calling it a Parkinsonism. What he thinks it is -Corticobasal Degeneration. It's pretty close to PD and I take PD meds. As time passes maybe I'll know what it is.

I don't do half what I used to. But you have to give yourself a brake. It's harder if your spouse isn't cooperative. But try not to let that get to you. Maybe she should attend a support group with you so she will have a better understanding what you and others go through. Isn't there a young PD group in your area? If not there is a caregiver forum on this site too.

Good luck!
mj
<3.<3.<3.

#7 Luthersfaith

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Posted 29 March 2012 - 02:40 PM

Your not a schmuck! You have a dis-ease... one that changes your life. How you doing today?
"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world." - Jesus (John 16:33)

#8 roy g

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Posted 29 March 2012 - 07:38 PM

" Unfortunately my wife is not the type of person who offers unending support or positive reinforcement. "

Sorry. I was just reading and that jumped out.

Old John Prine song "I wish you hope and happiness."

Edited by roy g, 29 March 2012 - 07:48 PM.


#9 Luthersfaith

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Posted 01 April 2012 - 06:16 AM

I just got a royal ass chewing from my wife of 17 years because I no longer take care of things like I say i will. We are in financial crisis, my lighting business is going down the tubes, I have become a failure in her eyes and many more things my sssllloooowww typing cannot mention because of time constraints. I just turned 50 and was diagnosed 10 years ago. I'm trying a new sales position but any line of work will be challenging i know but this thoroughly sucks.


Sickness tends to bring out the best in people. The things you said "financial crisis, no longer take care of things, was diagnosed 10 years ago" says that you and your wife need to deal with some longterm problems that have been there but probably have been ignored. I really hope both of you really meant what you said on your wedding day.


Ecclesiastes 4:12 And though a man might prevail against him who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken.

More than likely you guys need a third party to help... a healthy marriage takes work... work that is well worth it. Hang in there!


Edited by Luthersfaith, 01 April 2012 - 04:28 PM.

"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world." - Jesus (John 16:33)

#10 lethe

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Posted 01 April 2012 - 04:19 PM

"Old John Prine song "I wish you hope and happiness."


One of the great American songwriters and probably my favourite. The whole lyrics are worth posting:


Artist: Prine John
Song: All the Best

I wish you love And happiness
I guess I wish you All the best
I wish you don't Do like I do
And ever fall in love with Someone like you
Cause if you felt Just like I did
You'd probably walk around the block like a little kid.
But kids don't know They can only guess
How hard it is To wish you happiness

I guess that love Is like a Christmas card
You decorate a tree You throw it in the yard
It decays and dies And the snowmen melt
Well I once knew love I knew how love felt
Yeah I knew love Love knew me
And when I walked Love walked with me
And I got no hate And I got no pride
Well I got so much love That I cannot hide

Say you drive a Chevy Say you drive a Ford
You say you drive around the town till you just get bored
Then you change your mind For something else to do
And your heart gets bored with your mind and it changes you
Well it's a doggone shame And it's an awful mess
I wish you love I wish you happiness
I wish you love I wish you happiness
I guess I wish you All the best

live....



#11 roy g

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Posted 01 April 2012 - 06:49 PM

That's the one.

Thanks for link.

roy g.

Edited by roy g, 02 April 2012 - 11:33 PM.


#12 CynthiaM

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Posted 02 April 2012 - 12:24 PM

One of the great American songwriters and probably my favourite. The whole lyrics are worth posting:



I totally agree with you about John Prine. My favorite song of his has got to be "Hello in There" or when I want to laugh,
I've always been partial to "Dear Abby" although there are sooo many of his songs that are wonderful. Actually can't think
of any that I don't like. Now I will be on youtube all day listening to some good tunes. :)
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass......It's about learning to dance in the rain.

#13 rws2266

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Posted 02 April 2012 - 02:14 PM

I'm right there with you sk8r, the only time my wife even thinks about the Parkinson's is when she see's me shaking. Otherwise it's why are you taking so long, why can't you remember, why are you being so stupid...

I love her to death, but if she doesn't start getting some education and empathy I'm going to have to seriously consider moving on without her. I think I would be better off alone than with someone who criticizes me for the symptoms of my disease. The most frustrating part is I've been there for her through multiple surgeries and various illnesses, but I'm just slow and dumb now, until she see's the shaking, that's the only time she recognizes that I have this crap. Hang in there, that's what I'm doing, and hope she eventually comes around.

Rob

#14 Luthersfaith

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Posted 02 April 2012 - 04:18 PM

Wow, i am very fortunate. When I was diagnosed my wife was relieved and scared. Relieved bacause we now knew why I was doing things so differently... slowly. Scared because it is a progressive dis-ease. After all the dust settled, she said to me that she meant what she said on our wedding day... "in sickness and in health." She has read more about PD than I have.

I will pray and hope the best for you guys and your wives. I believe sickness can be a blessing/good thing.... but you must have an Eternal perspective (my opinion).

Edited by Luthersfaith, 02 April 2012 - 05:38 PM.

"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world." - Jesus (John 16:33)




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