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buzzy

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About buzzy

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  1. New relationship, new diagnosis....

    No apology needed; I'm really sorry for making you feel bad, you have nothing to feel guilty about at all! You didn't ask for any of this, and you even gave your wife an out, which is more than most would do I'm sure. You are doing your best and have nothing to apologize for, I'm sure she stayed with you because she wants to.
  2. New relationship, new diagnosis....

    Hi everyone, I'm back after T-giving, I hope you all had a good one. I want again to thank everyone for their input, even the stuff that was at times pretty harsh and I think a little unfair; I know I also have been saying stuff that I'm sure is hard to hear and even to think about, and for that I apologize.. I've just been saying what's on my mind, the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm no saint and don't claim to be, but I am trying to do the right thing here. No, I have not decided what to do yet, I keep arguing it back and forth in my mind; but I am clear that at least I can be his friend if he wants that... more I don't know now. I think I just need to get to know him better as a friend and hopefully things will become clearer eventually. And No, I am not on here because I am trying to avoid feeling guilty, I don't think there is any way to avoid that... and it's not really the point anyway. It's not my fault he is sick, and it certainly isn't his. None of this is anybody's fault, it just sucks...
  3. New relationship, new diagnosis....

    In my defense, can I point out that not only am I not married to this guy, I barely know him.... It has only been 2 months since we met, and we have only been intimate a few times. I honestly haven't known him long enough to know how I really feel about him (never mind not knowing how he really feels about me!) My confusion is around whether I should even get to know him better or not. I don't want to set myself up, nor do I want to mislead him about the future. I think he is looking for someone who can promise up front to stay no matter what, but understandably he is too freaked out for us to have any kind of meaningful discussion about this, which is why I posted here... sorry again if I have ruffled peoples feathers.
  4. New relationship, new diagnosis....

    Yeah, Action_guy you have a good point, it's better to hurt him some now than to REALLY hurt him later. And I'm sure he can find someone else who will be better able to really be there for him in the future. But it's a tough choice for me, because I really do like and care for him, I think I was/am really starting to fall for him, and I feel very sad about losing him before I ever really got a chance to know him... It's weird because right now he is basically fine, and breaking up now because of what will very probably happen in the future seems foolish, yet I doubt I could really handle it if it got bad. I'd be miserable and so would he. And I know it would be wrong to just stay with him until he gets really sick and THEN leave, he deserves better than that! But there is no way that I can promise now that I'd be able to stay with him forever... esp. since at this point I barely know him! If I stay with him it feels like I'm being asked to make an "in sickness and in health forever together" commitment way earlier than one would normally do in any relationship. The stakes are just a lot higher now, no way around it. And maybe it's true, maybe no one should enter with serious intent into ANY romantic relationship unless they know ahead of time that they could and would stick it out no matter what happened... but is this even realistic?! Anyway, thanks again everyone for all of your insightful and helpful comments, and I'm sorry again if I touched any sore spots; I know these are sensitive and painful questions for everyone.... best wishes to you all.
  5. New relationship, new diagnosis....

    Very good advice, and words of wisdom Christie, thank you! Sorry if I touched a sore spot, and thanks for taking the time to give me your feedback.
  6. New relationship, new diagnosis....

    Whew, guess this is a touchy subject! That's why I put it in the caregiver's section, not the patient section, but of course I do want to hear from all sides... And yes, I am struggling with whether or not I am just being selfish... and yes, no one is completely healthy, including me. I actually have some chronic (not serious, but significant) health issues myself, which is a big part of why I don't think I can honestly commit to a high likelihood of having to do a lot of caretaking in the future; I doubt if I would/will have the physical stamina to be able to do it. And yes no one can predict the future, wouldn't life be easier if we could! And of course I want someone who can satisfy my needs, as well as my satisfying theirs, doesn't this make sense? My fear is that neither of us will be able to get what we need here, and that would not be good, for either of us. But I do think I need to know more before I can be sure. All I know right now is that I can be his friend, which I am trying to be.
  7. New relationship, new diagnosis....

    Hi Everyone, Wow, I was not expecting responses so quickly, thank you to all of you, and thanks in advance to anyone else who writes, I really value any and all input. Christie, you have a valid point that he is so much more than his PD, that's why I haven't just "dumped him" (as he would put it). What I have done is told him that I need to back off, because I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me (and him, of course!) The truth is, he is still the same person that he was before, but he does not have the same future to offer me as I thought he did (not his fault of course, but there it is...) And I know myself well enough to know that signing up in advance to be a full time caregiver for the last 15 plus years of my life is NOT something that would work for me; some folks just love being caregivers to their spouses, but I'm not one of them unless it is pretty much 50-50 at least most of the time. And I guess because we are both getting on in years, neither of us wants to put much energy into a relationship that we already know in our hearts won't work out. Still, having said all this, it is true that if I were with someone for 15 or 20 good years, and then called to become their caregiver, of course I would step up! (Actually, I have already done this, I was involved a number of years ago with someone who had CFIDS; we had been together less than a year when it manifested, and I stayed and did quite a bit of caregiving in that relationship for several years. And, ironically, once he got better, he left me!) The problem here with this guy is that we DON'T have a past together, nor do either of us have a lot of time to waste in a half hearted effort. And a part of me is saying "I don't WANT to fall in love with someone who can only hurt me in the end".... But maybe that's just not being fair, to him or to me. Clearly, I need more time/info.. as you said, the diagnosis is not even 100% certain yet (although his neurologist certainly seems positive about it). And I know that the course of the disease can vary greatly from person to person. In theory it is possible (although very unlikely) that we COULD have 20 good years together. And then, well, maybe it would be worth it! But I know the odds are very much against that. Chances are, the bad will greatly outweigh the good. So, I don't feel like I can just ignore his diagnosis (nor is he ignoring it, although he wants me to!) Ignoring it would feel like digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole with no way out, not to mention it would be misleading to him; he wants someone who will be there for him if/when it gets bad, and I can't promise him that. Really where I am torn is between just officially ending it now and continuing getting to know each other as friends if he wants to, (with the VERY distant possibility that we might try again at some point in the future if/when we know for sure); or just taking a break, and waiting for more info. Maybe there's not actually much difference between the two options. Anyway, it helps to think it through, and I welcome more input. Thank you all and Happy Thanksgiving!
  8. Hi everyone, I just found this forum, and I am glad you are here. I am in a weird situation, and honestly don't know where to turn to for advice. I am 57 yrs old, single female, basically healthy, and 2 months ago I met a guy who is 62 on a dating site. We hit it off well and started getting romantically involved. He was great in many ways except that he (in my opinion) was overly concerned about his health and esp an annoying leg tremor that he had recently started having. He seemed convinced that it was the sign of something dire. Everyone including me made light of his fears, but he saw some specialists, and after a bunch of tests was diagnosed with early stage Parkinsons disease just last week. I am in shock, as is he of course. He is going to get a second opinion, since it is possible that the symptoms were caused by a drug he was on, and that the brain scan was misinterpreted. Still, it does explain some other mild symptoms that he has had (loss of sense of smell, constipation, anxiety and depression, oily skin, feeling like he was aging rapidly) and it does seem almost certain that he does have it. He is starting medication for Parkinsons and that will give more information as well. I am feeling very confused. The honest truth is that I really like this guy, but I barely know him! There is no way that I could know if the relationship would work at this early stage even if he were healthy; we were still just getting to know each other before his diagnosis. And in all honesty I would not have even wanted to start dating him if I had known that he had Parkinsons. I have pulled back from him, saying that at this point I cannot promise him anything more than friendship, but I have not officially broken up with him yet either. I feel like a total jerk, but the honest truth is that I don't want to sign the rest of my life away, esp to someone I barely know, even if I do care about him a lot, which I do. I guess we could just have a casual affair, but neither of us is really looking for that. And of course he is really just trying to deal with his diagnosis, and get through each day. Right now I am thinking I should just break up with him rather than give him false hopes for the future, but then maybe I am over reacting. Plus the last thing he needs right now is more bad news! I know that no one else can tell me what to do, and I will have to decide for myself, but I am wondering if anyone else has been in this situation, or if anyone has any thoughts. I would welcome any input or advice! Buzzy
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