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MurrayPD2

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A pizza delivery boy arrived at a house to drop off an order. The customer asked "What is your usual tip?"

 

"Well," replied the boy, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you I'll be doing great."

 

"Is that so?" the customer snorted.  "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's $5."

 

Boy: "Thanks, I'll put this on my school fund."

 

Customer: "What are you studying?"

 

Boy: "Applied Psychology."

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An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following: "Father, I am an 80 year old man, I'm married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year old girls. We partied and made love all night long."

 

The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?"

The old man said, "I have never been to confession, I'm Jewish."

The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"

The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"

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2 short optimistic ones about marriage

 

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.

 

Think of your three best friends.

 

If they are okay, then it's you...

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One of my favorite

 

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

 

"Why of course", comes the reply.

 

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.

 

The first man responds,

"You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course", replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.

 

Curios, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin", comes the reply.

 

"I can't believe it", says the first man.

"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!"

 

The men both continue drinking.

 

Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks,

"What school did you go to?"

"St. Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

 

"This is unbelievable", the first man says.

"I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

 

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.

 

"Nothing much", replies the bartender.

"The O'Mally twins are drunk again."

Edited by Natasha
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A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

 

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

 

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

 

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

 

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

 

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

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This one is so good!

 

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male.

These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said,

"Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire".

 

And with that command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes, would you like

to continue?"

 

The male statue looked at the female and asked,

"Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said,

"Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head"

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

 

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

 

"You foul-mouthed swine", retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country we don`t talk about our sex lives in public!"

 

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin` abouta sexa? I`m a justa tellin` my frienda how to spella `Mississippi`."

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looks like I "killed" the thread :(

I don't think it is you.  Holiday seasons are busy.  

 

I have another joke: 

 

A Mother and her little boy returned from shopping and began putting away groceries. The boy took the animal cracker box, opened it, and poured out the crackers on the puttable.

 

"What are you doing?!" , the Mother asked. 

 

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy replied.  "So, I am looking for it."

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:)

 

 

I thought I was the only thread killer on here! Happens to me all the time!

you are not alone any more, we can be a team !

maybe your comments are so "full" that nobody has anything to add :P

my case is different - after any comment I post  I have a feeling that it was politically incorrect  :(   (I am "politically incorrect person" even from non-american point of view, but usually it doesn't bother me, but here in forum it does :(   )

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one more (very old) joke - to keep this thread alive )

 

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".

Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

 

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourt year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

 

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

 

Edited by Natasha
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What did the turkey say on Thanksgiving Day.  "I'm stuffed!"

 

 

 

 

The turkey was gobbled up so fast that it didn't have a leg to stand on.

Edited by MarciaJ
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On a flight home from a small country in Africa I managed to get bumped up to first class. Across the isle from me was a princess from another small country in the middle of Africa. She was making a visit to the USA to represent her country's interest at a conference. The whole flight back we were severed by a very flamboyant obviously gay flight attendant. All of the passengers in first class were having a blast, we joked and had great service from our flight attendant.  

 

As we came in for a landing in DC our flamboyant flight attendant came on the speaker and announced. "Good after noon my lovely ladies and gentleman, our burly captain is going to pitter patter this plain in for a landing and we kindly ask you to stow all items and return you trays to their up right position. Thank you so much."

 

As that, the attendant came around the cabin for a final check he stopped at the princess seated across the isle from me.

 

He said, "Excuse me Miss, could you please put you table in the up right position for landing?"

Princess replied "In my county I am a Princess and I take order from no Servants!"

Flight attendant responded "Well in my country I am called a Queen.... I out rank you, tray up Bitch!!"

 

And with that we landed. Best flight ever..

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Ohhhhhh!  So you must, then, be related to Betty (Crocker)?   :-)

 

 

I wish I was related to Betty Crocker!  Then I would have a wealthy relative!  Then again, I don't think she actually exists! Oh well, I'm not always sure I exist!  You've got my last name right now although I kind of prefer Rocker!  Maybe my name could be No Carbon Rocker and I could travel the world in electric vehicles and play music that inspires everyone to reduce their carbon footprint!  That could be the basis of a fun comic book series:  "Rockers with Parkinson's save the world while awaiting the creation of better meds!"  If you can draw, I'll write the story!

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one more (very old) joke - to keep this thread alive )

 

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".

Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

 

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourt year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

 

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

 

 

 

Oh you are a funny one Natasha! I'll have to read this forum more frequently!

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I wish I was related to Betty Crocker!  Then I would have a wealthy relative!  Then again, I don't think she actually exists! Oh well, I'm not always sure I exist!  You've got my last name right now although I kind of prefer Rocker!  Maybe my name could be No Carbon Rocker and I could travel the world in electric vehicles and play music that inspires everyone to reduce their carbon footprint!  That could be the basis of a fun comic book series:  "Rockers with Parkinson's save the world while awaiting the creation of better meds!"  If you can draw, I'll write the story!

 

Ha-ha!!!  You could definitely write a very imaginative book!  I'm afraid I can't draw, though, except maybe my sofa (which I learned to draw back in Junior High School in art class).  Other than that, not too much talent in that area.  Would love to have that talent, though, as well as ballet.

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Ha-ha!!!  You could definitely write a very imaginative book!  I'm afraid I can't draw, though, except maybe my sofa (which I learned to draw back in Junior High School in art class).  Other than that, not too much talent in that area.  Would love to have that talent, though, as well as ballet.

I am good at drawing conclusions.

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Random thought:

If your Dr. orders a round of Antibiotics....... and you are already eating yogurt with Probiotics...............

Do you have internal battles between the "Biotics"? or do they just cancel each other out????

 

hummmmmmmm, .. you've heard about TV shows with "Battle Bot's"?? well we could have Battle Biotics.... The Anti's vs. the Pro's..... So, are you an Anti? or Pro?? Inquiring minds wish to know................

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Signs:

 

Podiatrist office- "Time wounds all heels."

Gynecologist office - "Dr. Jones at your cervix."

Septic Tank Truck "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."

Proctologist office - To expedite your visit, please back in."

 

Plumber truck - "Don't sleep with a drip.  Call your plumber." 

Tire Shop - "Invite us to your next blowout."

Towing Company - "We don't charge an arm and a leg.  We want your tows."

Electrician Truck - "Let us remove your shorts."

 

Church - "7 days without God makes one weak."

Maternity Room Door- "Push. push. push."

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Funny thing about Septic tank truck... This is the truth no bs here.

 

On my way in to work in western New York I was following a septic tanker that had a sign on it. It read

 

"Warning!! This truck is full of Political Promises!!"

 

I almost crashed laughing.

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